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    • CommentAuthorvolka
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 12:00pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Just going through my laptop and found this short story I wrote a couple of years ago - enjoy...

    El Gran Candomble sat on his favourite heap at the local dump, wondering if he could make a weapon of mass destruction with a dozen tin cans, a circuit board and the innards of a sewing machine.

    It was his favourite kind of night, clear and mild with a round white moon. He had a full stomach and there was no one around to bug him. Just him and his beautiful, lovely junk. Of course, he didn't actually have the technical expertise - or the thumbs - to build any of his inventions but he had imagination. He had dreams. Not really surprising as he slept fifteen hours each day.

    He suddenly became aware of a presence that made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. Turning around with the air of one who knows his place and that place is at the top, he eyed the newcomer with disdain.

    'Get off my land,' he growled. The newcomer smirked.

    'It's the Municipal Dump', he retorted with a thick, glottal accent. He swished his red satin lined cloak around his stick thin body. 'And you're just a cat.'

    El Gran Candomble pulled himself up to his full height - all of twelve inches - and puffed out his magnificent tail. 'And you are?'

    'I go by many names. I am Nosferatu. I am Revenans. , I am Wampyr. I am -'

    'Yes, but what's your name?'

    'My name would drive a dagger of fear into the heart of mortals.'

    El Gran Candomble sighed and examined his paw. The newcomer found this disconcerting. 'I am a vampire, you little fleabag!' he hissed.

    'Oh big whoop,' said El Gran Candomble. 'So what can you do that I can't?'

    The vampire was thoughtful for a moment. 'I have exceptionally sharp teeth.'

    El Gran Candomble yawned, showing his own very fine fangs.

    'Well, my finger nails are like scalpels.'

    The cat stretched out his front paws, his claws glinting in the moonlight.

    'I travel by night and none hear my passing.'

    His little audience was still not impressed.

    ‘I can trace my family tree back to Vlad Tepes.’

    ‘Yeah, well, my ancestors are buried in the pyramids of Giza.’

    'I kill those weaker than myself and drink their blood.'

    'Well, duh. Who doesn't?'

    The vampire was starting to look distinctly stressed. He dithered about, wringing his hands fretfully.

    'I've got it!' he cried, a little spittle on his chin. 'Look, I bet you can't do this.'

    With that, his human body transformed into a that of a bat.

    'Hmm, interesting,' said El Gran Candomble, 'half bird, half mouse.'

    There was the briefest flicker of activity.

    'Tastes like chicken,' he thought, before slinking away into the night.
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 1:08pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Most excellent volka!
    • CommentAuthorTrevs Mum
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 1:10pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Love it Volka being a cat lover and a writer myself. Maybe this should be the writers thread, I will post something soonish! well done.
    • CommentAuthornanny north
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 1:43pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Oh wonderful story Volka I loved reading every minute of it, you have a great talent as a story teller.
    • CommentAuthorvolka
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 2:27pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Why, thank you.

    It was dictated to me by the venerable Beamish as he records his memoires (he is 172, you know) so I can't take all the credit.

    Personally, I think he has Munchausens.

    Personally, I think I spend too much time talking to my cat.
    • CommentAuthornanny north
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 2:41pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    We all do Volka and when I am not chatting to my cats I have a good gossip with my hens, they sure like a gossip. I talk to fluffy as well but as he hasn't a voice that I can hear, he just waggles his eye stalks about in an understanding way.
      CommentAuthorchief chicken
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 4:39pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    You can never spend too much time talking to a cat. Unless that's from the cat's point of view; I'm frequently told to shut up by stressed out cats who are Trying To Sleep after a Hard Day Being A Cat.
    Excellent story, Volka!
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 10:58pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    I agree with that CC!

    Great story Volka - I can't imagine a feral cat being phased by anything and that proves it!!!

    I saw a post on another forum about someone making a TV programmed and wanting to interview people that live within the M25 about their relationship with their pet. Hang on, I'll go find it just in case anyone wants to do it ...
    • CommentTimeAug 25th, 2009 11:00pm (Aug 25th 2009)
    Ah, bit of a problem - the yahoo forum it was on strips out the address after the @ sign. If anyone IS interested I'll ask the person who posted it if they can get the full address:

    Please see the message below from somebody working on a BBC TV

    Hello, I am looking for people who are really passionate about their
    pet to be interviewed for BBC Horizon. We are doing a show about
    peoples relationship with their pets, and how we even humanise our
    pets. We are looking for people with pets within the M25 area who
    would be willing to be interviewed in their own home, you would be
    asked questions such as

    Do you understand your pets feelings?
    Do you celebrate your pets birthday?
    How does your pet make you feel when you are together?
    The filming will start in 3 weeks and will be finished by the end of
    If you are interested in participating, and are very passionate about
    your pet, in this please email me at Kirsty.Seager@...

    Thank you
    Kirsty Seager
    • CommentAuthorShobhna
    • CommentTimeAug 26th, 2009 2:20pm (Aug 26th 2009)
    Volka, what an excellent story.
    Yes, perhaps we whould have a writers corner where we can have poems and short stories.
    • CommentAuthorvolka
    • CommentTimeAug 26th, 2009 4:24pm (Aug 26th 2009)
    Good idea!
      CommentAuthorchief chicken
    • CommentTimeAug 26th, 2009 5:40pm (Aug 26th 2009)
    Kate, I think they're looking for bimbettes who carry their Gucci-clad chihuahuas in their Gucci bags, or old ladies who 'only' have 36 cats and think their neighbours are persecuting them when they complain about the smell.
    I'll apply then, shall I? :tooth:
    • CommentTimeAug 26th, 2009 11:08pm (Aug 26th 2009)
    Hmm, not sure you're quite crazy enough CC. But then, if you got drunk first ....
      CommentAuthorchief chicken
    • CommentTimeAug 27th, 2009 3:23am (Aug 27th 2009)
    ...and got another 34 cats...
    • CommentAuthorTrevs Mum
    • CommentTimeAug 27th, 2009 9:51am (Aug 27th 2009)
    Posted By: chief chickenKate, I think they're looking for bimbettes who carry their Gucci-clad chihuahuas in their Gucci bags, or old ladies who 'only' have 36 cats and think their neighbours are persecuting them when they complain about the smell.
    I'll apply then, shall I?:tooth:" aria-posinset="0" aria-setsize="0" hspace="0" alt=":tooth:" vspace="0" loop="1" src="" ismap="false" width="18" start="fileopen" height="18" />

    Not sure what category you would fit into dont have a chihuahua! You could rent one.:001_rolleyes:
      CommentAuthorchief chicken
    • CommentTimeAug 27th, 2009 4:40pm (Aug 27th 2009)
    Onion would eat it...:\
    • CommentTimeAug 27th, 2009 8:02pm (Aug 27th 2009)
    Carry Onion around in a handbag instead?
    • CommentAuthorollie in UK
    • CommentTimeAug 27th, 2009 9:58pm (Aug 27th 2009) edited
    Now there's a fashion statement-
    A chick, with a chick, in a bag!
    • CommentAuthorTrevs Mum
    • CommentTimeAug 28th, 2009 1:39am (Aug 28th 2009)
    Posted By: VictoriaCarry Onion around in a handbag instead?

    ha ha now I would love to see that
      CommentAuthorchief chicken
    • CommentTimeAug 28th, 2009 3:07am (Aug 28th 2009)
    I don't think I could by any stretch of the imagination be described as a chick. More like a bag with a chick in a bag...
    • CommentAuthorShobhna
    • CommentTimeSep 3rd, 2009 2:02pm (Sep 3rd 2009)
    CC, just love that.